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7/23 ECW Results: A Tamer ECW

by Michael Sedor on July 23rd, 2008

ECW Results followed by Pleasant Narrative

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New (XXXL) ECW Title belt given to Mark Henry and his sidekick Tony Atlas while Colin Delaney explains his Great American Bash actions
Tommy Dreamer def Colin Delaney
Evan Bourne def. James Curtis
Newcomer Ricky Ortiz brings up marketing ideas
Matt Hardy pins to one of the following three to def. Finlay, The Miz, and Morrison in a Fatal Four-Way

Pleasant Narrative:

The standard WWE intro montage of past professional triumphs comes on and I’ve returned for another night of grappling. In the upper left corner reads a TV-PG rating for violence. TV-PG for the Land of the Extreme!?!?!? What’s that all about? I can’t get a TV-14? It seems the toned down atmosphere is a WWE initiative.

The Hollywood daily Variety reported today that the WWE wants all of its shows to be more family friendly and less violent. They want all three shows to have TV-PG ratings. The shows would “focus more on its over-the-top characters and storylines, rather than attention-grabbing stunts that may have been considered too outrageous in the past.”

I guess this isn’t a bad thing. It will make the pay-per-view violence that much more fun. But in the spirit of past times we’re going to wonder what could be done to tame ECW further helping it gain that coveted TV-G or TV-Y.

1) Tony Atlas warns us that this is a “new ECW.” He doesn’t expound. But we know it’s one without the extreme. Perhaps the show could now be called “Easygoing Championship Wrestling.”

2) While Colin Delaney explains that Tommy Dreamer is “the past” and Mark Henry is “the future” the crowd chants “You Suck!” That vulgar language must end. How about mandating a “You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” cheer?

3) Tommy Dreamer is now facing off against the pale dweeb. First of all the stylized yellow fire on Dreamer’s black pants is too scary. How about sky blue pants with white clouds and white puffy sheep on the their side to coincide with his “Dreamer” name?

4) Dreamer seems to be holding back on Delaney. We’d like a more demonstrative beat down but are worried the censors might be bothered by the multiple DDTs and the drop kicks. Maybe he could just ask Colin if he could pin him? We’re sure Colin would accept. Delaney’s poor wrestling is just delaying the inevitable anyway.

5) Evan Bourne’s wrestling technique is perfect for both the new PG rating and our sensibilities. He never looks to actually hit or hurt someone while his high flying antics are super super exciting. His anonymous opponent, however, is a little too violent for our tastes. All wrestlers who punch, pull hair, and do submission-type holds should be banned.

Btw, after the match Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely enter the ring to attack Bourne. Bourne skillfully sneaks out of the ring and runs away untouched. Perfect pacifism!

6) Ricky Ortiz wants to be known as the “Latin Assassin.” Far too violent young Carlito impersonator. How about the “Latin Angel”, the “Latin Amigo”, or the “Latin Assistor?”

7) Tonight’s Main Event is a Fatal Four-Way for a chance to wrestle at SummerSlam for the ECW Title. Could it be renamed the “Friendly Four-Way?”

Morrison goes for a quick pin on his tag team partner but it’s broken up. Miz and Morrison duck out of the ring for a while allowing Finlay and Hardy to beat each other up.

8) OK, I’m not complaining because I really enjoyed this match. It had great action, a spectator’s drink tossed into Finlay’s eyes, lots of cool moves, heated drama between Miz and Morrison, at least two dozen near falls, lots of originality, a shillelagh, and a Matt Hardy win. This was a pay-per-view level match and ECW’s best in a while.

BUT I now understand the WWE’s violence solution: multiple commercials during Main Events. Let the fun stuff happen during that time. This match had two ad segments break up its action. We’re guessing that future ECW episodes will be one long set of WWE DVD promos, and future Sci-Fi Channel movies. Makes sense, right?

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POSTED IN: Wrestling