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ECW: The Drank Edition

by Michael Sedor on July 8th, 2008

ECW Results and Highlights

Finlay def. The Miz
Braden Walker def. Armando Estrada
Evan Bourne def. Nunzio
Tommy Dreamer def. Mark Henry by DQ (?)

Last week I asked ECW to give me a reason to love it. It didn’t. So really, I shouldn’t be watching. But I am because the good people at the Innovative Beverage Group sent jabandgrapple.com some of their new “anti-energy” drink: Drank. The beverage promises to “calm and relax you” with ingredients that include Melatonin, Rose Hips, and Valerian Root. My ECW hate has been so virulent as of late that I need some relaxation. I need, as the drink boasts, to “slow my roll”.

Finlay and The Miz are squaring off as I pour my first into a neat glass tumbler; I’m drinking the gently carbonated Drank on ice. Before the match I’m quietly confident that these two will step it up in their singles match. I’m not as confident about the Drank. The first sip isn’t nearly as sweet as I expect and is reminiscent of a pleasant grape soda. I fear that it is going to go down real smooth. Too smooth.

Finlay takes care of The Miz with some help from Hornswaggle and the Drank is already calming me down. I might even enjoy the Mark Henry-Tommy Dreamer main event! The first commercial break contains an advert for 5-hour energy drink talking about the evils of energy drinks. I’m one step ahead of them though. I’m not interested in energizing, I’m interested in relaxing. And Drank already has me on my way.

I’m beginning to feel sorry for Armando Estrada. It’s doubtful he’ll ever win a match. This week he’s facing someone now known as Braden Walker. I like Teddy Long’s ECW Superstar Initiative but the two we’ve seen thus far - Atlas Ortiz and now Braden Walker - are absolutely uninteresting.

One of Drank’s primary promises is that it will help you “get you lean on” without resorting to harmful cough syrup drinks. After a second glass my lean is definitely on but I’m still also desiring to flatten a few ECW superstars: Mark Henry (after he insults legend Tony Atlas) and Atlas Ortiz (after a stupid bush league segment).

The Tommy Dreamer vs. Mark Henry main event isn’t getting me too excited (or maybe it’s my imbibing). But really, I don’t think Dreamer has a chance unless Henry downs a full case of Drank. Which is possible because Henry was born in and lives within Drank’s southeastern Texas and western Louisiana distribution zone. Tonight’s ECW is also taking place in Baton Rouge, La. Is Drank available there? Yes indeed!

Evan Bourne puts away perennial loser Nunzio with a fantastic Shooting Star back flip from the top rope and not even the Drank can stop me from being excited. He must have been 20-feet in the air. Am I hallucinating? I don’t think so…

There’s like five minutes left in ECW and we’re still at commercial. Do I care? Not really. I’m on my third Drank glass and ECW has gradually become very palatable. And anyway, the less Mark Henry the better.

The clock just turned 11 p.m. and still no match. Am I anxious? Not at all. The match has begun and Dreamer’s horrid fake leather pants actually might be changing my allegiances. Then Henry goes after Colin Delaney but Tony Atlas interrupts and slams the pale dweeb himself and appears to be teaming with The World’s Strongest Man. Someone is disqualified. I’m not sure who but I’m beyond uninterested.

As far as the Drank, I’m pleasantly surprised. The buzz is mild and helpfully relaxing. I’m even going to be able to fall asleep in a strange and uncomfortable bed tonight. Bloggers need vacation too. If only I were vacationing along the Texas Gulf Coast, then I could snatch up another Drank.

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POSTED IN: Wrestling