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6/30/08 Monday Night Raw: Anarchy Means No Fighting

by Michael Sedor on July 1st, 2008

Last night’s Monday Night Raw had a pleading message from Shane McMahon, a big time title change, a title rematch, a touching tribute to a local legend, the imposition of martial law, and the overarching theme of anarchy. Why anarchy? Well, what RAW didn’t have was a GM given Mr. McMahon’s “tragic accident”.

As a result the inmates ran the asylum. And how do the RAW inmates run their Oklahoma City asylum? They prefer comedy skits, long stretches on the microphone, and as little wrestling as possible. As far as wrestling and results go there is precious little to report today. Drama and storyline on the other hand…

The night’s epic introduction began with a terrific going away tribute to announcer Jim Ross; RAW was taking place in his home state of Oklahoma. He called Jerry “The King” Lawler his “older brother” and said how much he’d miss him. As the Wrestlemania XXIV tribute to Ric Flair proved, the WWE does tributes well and JR’s was no exception.

Lest the night get too mushy, Edge appeared in the ring to bust up the feel-good vibe with a few choice bbq and blog-related insults. But his penalty for breaking up the JR love-fest was very very harsh. Batista attacked the Rated-R Superstar and Batista Bombed him to oblivion. At that point CM Punk cashed in his Money in the Bank contract, pinned Edge, and won the WWE Heavyweight Title.

RAW got its title back but at what cost? It’s two title holders are the unlikely pair of CM Punk and Kofi Kingston. It has the less prestigious of the two major titles, it lost the number one announcer Jim Ross, and at this point RAW feels like #2 in the brand hierarchy. CM Punk is not a flagship I’m sailing with.

The next segments brought a lackluster Divas match (Mickie James pinned Jillian) a talk-off between Santino Marella and Rey Mysterio, and a “I double-dare you to please please fight me” message from JBL to CM Punk. Next up to grab the stage was John Cena who told us how great his match was last night. He also wants to fight CM Punk. Who wouldn’t?

JBL then appeared and declared martial law via his hired security team. JBL might understand money but political science is not his forte. Only an empowered military force can declare martial law and JBL’s thugs do not meet this requirement.

RAW had now been on for one hour and twenty minutes with NO MEN’S MATCHES. This had to be some sort of record. Finally we got a thirty-second long DiBiase-Rhodes tag team match. After the annoying, pesky, grappling Rhodes and DiBiase talked for about five minutes.

Would a match ever happen? Finally with twenty minutes left in the show Kofi Kingston faced Y2J in an Intercontinental Title rematch. Keeping with the night’s loquacious theme, Y2J opening soliloquy lasted longer than what should have been an entertaining match. It absurdly ended when Y2J was disqualified for pulling Kingston’s shorts too high and America caught a glimpse of Kofi’s butt crack.

When the JBL-CM Punk started Mrs. Jabandgrapple said, “It’s already 10:55 p.m., how are they going to have a match?” I countered, “Five minute match it is then.” And it was. Nevertheless those five minutes were more wrestling time than the rest of RAW’s men’s matches combined! Who won? Nobody. JBL was DQ’d when his security force started scrapping with John Cena and Cryme Tyme.

What does this all mean? It means that Thomas Hobbes was wrong. Anarchy does not bring chaos. Man’s natural existence is not a brutish war against each other. In fact, anarchy brings peace, love, and lots of microphone time.

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POSTED IN: Wrestling